Reborn Duncan

For information on reborn dolls see wiki (everyone loves wiki, right?--- sarcasm)

I've been considering having a memory doll made for many months. I've always thought they were interesting, but never considered one for myself until after losing Duncan. A couple discussions have been brought up on a support forum for baby loss mothers. Some moms expressed interest in a memory doll. I've been drawn to one, but somehow would end up retiring the idea because society deems it "weird," "morbid," "delusional," or whatever. That a doll can't possibly replace the child that was lost. I have brought this up for debate on other forums and many non-baby loss mothers expressed that if it was beneficial for the mother in her grief then all is fine. The only time it becomes weird is when the mother begins treating the doll as if it's her real baby. It may not be the right choice for some, but I believe it's very much the right choice for me.

My friend Dawn referred me to a reborn artist that offers memory reborn services. I was amazed at her work when Dawn shared reborn William. So very life-like and real. She did a wonderful job recreating baby William. What has been really hard for me is that while I have come to a sort of peace with him being gone, what I have to remember him by doesn't bring positive feelings. A lot of the feelings resurface and I start thinking about all the things I regret. How I wish I had taken more pictures or how I wish I had taken notice to his lack of movement and maybe if he were born sooner we could have spent more time with him. Three hours was definitely not enough. He was so delicate and fragile. Even though he was dead I thought I was hurting him somehow. Seeing him in that state killed me and those images still upset me. I wish I had more "pretty" pictures.

Having a doll made in his likeness will hopefully bring me that peace and closure. Where I have something positive to think about. Instead of trying to fantasize how he should or would have looked like, I'll have something tangible made in his likeness. No blue/pale skin or blisters and skin deterioration. No vernix all over him and no dark red lips. I can't wait to see what Duncan would have looked like. The issue with having a memory doll made in his likeness is trying to find one that shares Down Syndrome features/characteristics. Finding a preemie size wasn't difficult at all. Just finding a *cute* sculpt that actually resembles him. I found two good matches, but the sleeping doll wasn't exactly cute to me. It had a lot of the Ds features, but wasn't very pretty. The other would have made for an older version of Duncan. I want a young/newborn Duncan.

Marilyn, the artist, recommended some sculpts. I immediately liked two of them, which were the ones she liked as well.

I'm planning on two dolls, one sleeping and one awake. Here's the sleeping version:

Here's the "awake" version:

Here's my Duncan:

A Little Overdue - We're Having A . . .

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BOY!!!!

:Happy Dance: :Happy Dance: Woohoo!!

Found out last Saturday. I was on pins and needles. My instinct told me boy and have felt boy vibes all along, but I prepared myself to be fooled and hear "girl" at the u/s. I spotted the "turtle" (boy parts) and then she said it. I was beaming ear to ear. I was still in disbelief after two days. I love him. He's so handsome already.

Gender Preference and . . .

Disappointment. The feelings involved in gender preference and disappointment are very real.

We find out the sex on Saturday, in two days, and I'm SO nervous. Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have kept thinking boy because this pregnancy reminds me so much of my pregnancy with Duncan. I'm getting total boy vibes. My intuition was right with my others, but I'm not so confident now. I've been preparing myself to hear "girl," and as much as I try to be as excited and happy about the prospects of another girl, it's hard. I try to think about the positive aspects of having another girl, but I can't help but yearn for a boy. I wanted a boy with Duncan and I got him, but in the end, I didn't get to keep him. =(

It doesn't help that I think I see a boy nub in the NT scan picture. I don't want to get my hopes up, though. I'd love to experience a mother & son relationship. Just two more days! Ack!

Mark may be here for the birth after all

Found out yesterday that they're extending them to 12 months. It was previously 10 months. He saw it coming, so we knew from early on there was a chance they would get extended. He's putting in his leave request (R&R) for Dec 16th-Jan 5th. That's a good window. So hopefully babe cooperates and he'll actually get to be present for the birth. I'm excited and I know he is.

Met with one of the ATL midwives

I met with Sarahn and she's very nice. She's one of few black midwives in the area. It's a longstanding tradition here in the South. The interview lasted a couple hours and everything went well. I still want to interview two other midwives I talked to previously. I felt a really good vibe when I talked to Debbie a month ago. Plus, Debbie knows Lisa (my midwife with Duncan), so that's a huge plus. My interview with Claudia or Debbie is next Tuesday.

New Beginnings?

Somewhat, I guess. We made it to ATL yesterday at around 2:00 pm. We made about four stops total. The girls did well on the trip. Uh. This humidity. I'm never going to get used to in. One would think after living in Jacksonville, NC for three years that I would be acclimated to this weather already. I hate it.

Anywho, I got my apt. and now all I have to do is finish buying stuff for the place. Just basic stuff. I still need to contact the midwives I talked to a few weeks back to let them know I made it here and decided to move early.