I think I've come to terms with it . . .

With not getting pregnant by the time Mark deploys. Finding out he was going to deploy some 5 weeks ago really did throw a wrench in our TTC plans. Instead of hoping it would occur soon, but being fine with it if it happened later, we, or I, was now on a deadline to conceive before he departs sometime late May or early June. I didn't expect to get pregnant with first postpartum ovulation, but I was hoping. I couldn't really chart because I hadn't even gotten my first postpartum period. I had to rely on examining my CP and CF and OPKs. I was bummed when my luteal phase with a whopping 5 days. I hoped that next time would be IT or perhaps end in a better LP. I took upon the use of bio-identical progesterone cream hoping it would help if low progesterone was the culprit. My chart was looking good that cycle. I got a very, very faint positive at 8 dpo (days past ovulation) and started spotting that day. I got my period the following day. That time it ended with 8 day LP. So, better, but not good. Maybe next cycle. I'm doing all of my charting and waiting and ended up ovulating a little later than I expected (cd 23). My post-O temps were high and looked good. I got a nice temp dip at 6 dpo and a good temp spike the following day. I also started feeling sharp uterine twinges or pinching at that time. They lasted until 8 dpo. I experienced the pinching and twinges with all of my pregnancies. I was slightly convinced I was pregnant. I tested yesterday at 9 dpo and nothing, which is to be expected. I didn't use a super sensitive IC this time. I started spotting yesterday as well. I became very emotional and frustrated. I cried on and off from mid morning to 3:30 pm. I was so freaking frustrated. *I* know it can take the body/hormones a number of months to return back to normal, but it's still frustrating.

I called the OB that had been handling our situation hoping he'd be understanding and sympathetic, and, well, he wasn't. But then how many are? I could tell he doesn't buy into the whole charting thing and he didn't even sound like he knew anything about the hormones involved with the reproductive cycle. He made a comment akin to: "If you're even ovulating." WTF? I AM ovulating, dammit. He basically said there's nothing he could do, no clomid or progesterone supplements and that luteal phase problems don't exist and blah, blah, blah. I don't even know why I thought to even call him. I should have known better. Toward the end of the conversation I even wondered if he even remembered me or knew why we'd be TTC four months after giving birth. He went on to say wanting to get pregnant before one's spouse deploys is common around here. Well, no shit. I know that. However, my situation isn't ordinary or "common." I wouldn't be in this position if I actually had my baby in my arms. Idiot doctor.

Today, very early this morning, I got my period. While I felt sad and less than hopeful, I think I've come to terms with not conceiving before he leaves. I want so much to be pregnant again, to experience a growing baby inside me and to have something to look forward to, to anxiously wait in excitement for the arrival of a new life, to hold, kiss and nurse a baby that I nestled in my womb for 9+ months. I want my arms full. My heart aches to be healed, at least partly. I want that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I would love to have a baby in my arms by the time Duncan's death/birth anniversary rolls around. Since yesterday I've been thinking about the possibility that we may not conceive by the time he leaves. I have to be prepared for that. We can hope that we do, but I have to look on the bright side. I have to remain positive. I can keep charting and I'm certain my cycle and hormones will regulate over a short period of time. I know it's normal to have wonky cycles for 4-6 months after giving birth, so what I'm experiencing isn't unusual. If it doesn't happen then I can work on losing weight and focus on other areas I want to work on and improve. The positive thing about conceiving #4 after DH returns is that he'll be here for the birth. I know it's something he'd want to experience, especially after having planned a homebirth with Duncan and everything going horribly awry. So, I have to keep my spirits up and remain positive. I can do that. No need to wallow in sadness and frustration. It will only eat me up inside and that's not good.