Face of Loss, Face of Hope

Getting the word out. Putting a face to the loss of a child. Lots of love to fellow babyloss mothers.

Meeting with my therapist

I have an appointment on Friday to see my therapist. I was recently diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder, both of which I've had for years and I'm now choosing to address it. I *think* she might have said bipolar type II, but can't be certain. I'm going to ask her on Friday.

Toward the end of the first meeting I asked her why I came to peace with Duncan's death so early on. I mentioned to her that I never went through the stages of grief that many talk about. I never felt depressed, but what is that supposed to feel like during a tragic loss? How does one tell the difference between managing one's grief and depression? The depression started after having Grace so it's not something new or grief-driven.

I have long felt abnormal because I processed his death in a different way. Losing him hurt like nothing I've felt before. I physically ached. I still ache. At first I was too numb to breakdown and cry after the shock and reality hit. I felt so numb and in disbelief. I had watery eyes when it was realized he was gone, but I knew before the confirmation that he was no longer with me. Coming home with no baby felt so wrong. An (doula that watched Grace and Evey) greeted me with tears and a hug. She hugged me so tight as I stood there numb and almost emotionless. I couldn't break down. I just felt broken. I immediately went to the computer to work on his pictures after she left. I needed to see him again. Even if it meant just a picture.

I came to peace with his death and accepted it only weeks after he died. When I got pregnant with Henry and was interviewing the CPMs in the area and talked about my pregnancy with Duncan I was very matter-of-fact and technical. I am typically like that, but I guess others took notice of that and thought it meant I was handling his death so well. I handled it the only way I knew how. They way that felt comfortable to me.

My therapist asked me if I tend to intellectualize things. Funny that she asked that. My answer was yes. She was confident that this was/is the case here. I must say that I agree. She said that while the bulk of the therapy will be to work on the issues surrounding depression--irritability/temper/short fuse and SAD, she wants to address Duncan's death. She thinks it will help.

It's interesting that after almost 2 years I still recall the event like it was yesterday. I recall those memories daily. I know losing a child always sticks with you. I think about him daily. It's just amazing how fast time flies. Sometimes it feels like my world fell apart yesterday.