Awareness . . .

in the form of film? A few weeks ago I watched the film Love and Other Impossible Pursuits starring Natalie Portman as the lead character. The movie chronicles the life of Emilia following the death of her three day old daughter, Isabel. I knew what it was about going in. I felt compelled to watch it. Parts of it infuriated me. Many other parts I empathized with and understood. I bawled throughout most of it. It was a good movie, though hard to watch in parts because it rings so true.

One thing I thought to myself was how taboo pregnancy and especially late term, neonatal and infant loss is. I understand that it can be uncomfortable for many to discuss, but the fact of the matter is, it's an unfortunate reality for many parents. It's not as uncommon as people think it is. This lack of awareness makes it taboo. A topic that should never been addressed or if it must be addressed then do it in a private area where the chance of making others feel uncomfortable is diminished. Basically sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn't exist or it only happens to other people. Everyone always thinks it happens to other people until it happens to them. Until they become a statistic, part of a club no one ever wants to hold membership to. I'm glad there's some awareness, even if it's by way of the silver screen.

Flowers, Rainbows and Stars

Just over two weeks ago I got my quarter sleeve.  I had been simmering and planning on it for months.  The flowers are the kids' birth month flowers.  Daffodils for Grace and Henry and Chrysanthemums for Evangeline and Duncan.  The rainbow represents Henry, my rainbow baby, and the stars represent my precious Duncan.

Toys for Tots

This year I'm going to pick out a toy that would have been age appropriate for Duncan and donate it to Toys for Tots. He would have been two. I'm thinking about doing two gifts, one that would have been a birthday gift (birthday/'angelversary' in November). I'm excited to do this in his honor.

Quote

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

I recently came across this quote and it rings so true. Most are unsure what to say or how to react when a relative or friend loses a child. This often leaves the grieving parents feeling alone and abandoned because relatives and family ignore the loss or skirt around it. We're not so fragile that the slightest mention of our child will cause us to crumble and fall apart. We want others to acknowledge our child and their life, however long or short. To forget they ever existed by skirting around them hurts the grieving parents even more. I like talking about Duncan. I'm reminded of him everyday. I smile when someone inquires about the meaning of my tattoos. Talking about him doesn't make me uncomfortable or reopen wounds. It brings me joy to talk about him, honor and remember him. I want others to acknowledge him and what he means to me.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

It's hard to believe it's been two years since I carried you in my womb, where you knew only love and warmth. It's been two years since my world came crashing down. Two years since I held you in my arms, felt your weight, cuddled with you and kissed you. We didn't have nearly enough time together. My heart broke into a million pieces all over again when I had to give you away to the nurse so she could take you to the morgue. Two years ago I went home with empty arms and a purple memory box. I had to look forward to choosing between burial and cremation and when we chose cremation we had to choose which urn would be your 'home.' Instead of enjoying the early days of your life in our home we were left planning arrangements with the funeral home director. I had to leave you in the hospital all alone. Leaving you there was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You belong with me. I am your home. Your home is my heart. That is where you are and where you'll stay. You are so loved and so very missed. I think about you always. You transformed the very essence of my being. You taught me a new Love. Love in the midst of heartache, pain, and devastation. You are so unique and special. You are my son and I love you so very much.

Happy Birthday, Duncan!

Tomorrow is the day we honor and remember our babies

I wish there was something going on in my city.  I'm going to light Duncan's candle and a candle in honor of all babies lost too soon.

Face of Loss, Face of Hope

Getting the word out. Putting a face to the loss of a child. Lots of love to fellow babyloss mothers.