Flowers, Rainbows and Stars

Just over two weeks ago I got my quarter sleeve.  I had been simmering and planning on it for months.  The flowers are the kids' birth month flowers.  Daffodils for Grace and Henry and Chrysanthemums for Evangeline and Duncan.  The rainbow represents Henry, my rainbow baby, and the stars represent my precious Duncan.

Tomorrow is the day we honor and remember our babies

I wish there was something going on in my city.  I'm going to light Duncan's candle and a candle in honor of all babies lost too soon.

The birth that never came to be

For months I had been planning and anticipating the joyous and peaceful homebirth of precious Duncan. I was so completely excited and anxious. I had been wanting this experience for so long. I looked forward to it from the beginning. I love giving birth. Birthing a new life is so empowering, more so when it is done on your own terms, in your own environment surrounded by loved ones. I wanted this so much. I still get emotional and deeply sad when I recall the events that took place in the wee hours of Friday morning. I felt so helpless and lost. I hated being in the hospital. I hated not being in control and poked and prodded. I regret going back to be induced. I wasn't thinking clearly. I wasn't thinking at all. I was just so shocked and stunned by it all that I didn't even consider the idea of just staying home and birthing him there. It would have been as "peaceful" as it could be in that situation. It still wouldn't have filled the void, the void of giving birth to life, but it would have caused me less anxiety and stress.

I will get my dream birth; I will get my homebirth. I look forward to the day I where I will be overcome with joy, happiness, empowerment, awe and wonder. I wait for that day; I wait for that birth. It will come.

Isis, Goddess of Mothering

I conceived
carried
and birthed all life.
Then, out of my love for you,
my children,
I gave you my beloved mate, Osiris
Lord of vegetation
God of the grain
to be cut down
and born again.
I nursed you through sickness with my healing arts
I made you clothes and invented weaving and spinning
I watched over your first steps
helping you grow from infancy to maturity.
I was even there with you
at the end
to hold your hand
and guide you to immortality.
You were All
and I gave you all
and to you I was All.
Isis, Great Goddess, All Mother.

Yearning to have my arms full

I want to be pregnant again . . . like now. At the hospital I knew I wanted to be pregnant again right away. That urge to bring forth a life, especially after a loss, is so strong. I want that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A rainbow baby. Days following Duncan's birth we began talking about names. I was obsessed with wanting to be pregnant again. I desperately wanted something to look forward. A new hope. A new life. Something. I want the experience the ups and downs of pregnancy. I want to pull a plump crying baby to my chest and have the cocktail of motherly hormones wash over me and not sadness and heartache. I want to experience Ultimate Joy of bringing forth a new life. I want to be pregnant again.

At three weeks postpartum, I took a pregnancy test and it was NEGATIVE. I was never so happy to see a BFN in my life. Yes! My hormones are returning to normal. My body is beginning to heal and return to normal.

My wish can not come soon enough.