Toys for Tots

This year I'm going to pick out a toy that would have been age appropriate for Duncan and donate it to Toys for Tots. He would have been two. I'm thinking about doing two gifts, one that would have been a birthday gift (birthday/'angelversary' in November). I'm excited to do this in his honor.

Quote

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

I recently came across this quote and it rings so true. Most are unsure what to say or how to react when a relative or friend loses a child. This often leaves the grieving parents feeling alone and abandoned because relatives and family ignore the loss or skirt around it. We're not so fragile that the slightest mention of our child will cause us to crumble and fall apart. We want others to acknowledge our child and their life, however long or short. To forget they ever existed by skirting around them hurts the grieving parents even more. I like talking about Duncan. I'm reminded of him everyday. I smile when someone inquires about the meaning of my tattoos. Talking about him doesn't make me uncomfortable or reopen wounds. It brings me joy to talk about him, honor and remember him. I want others to acknowledge him and what he means to me.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

It's hard to believe it's been two years since I carried you in my womb, where you knew only love and warmth. It's been two years since my world came crashing down. Two years since I held you in my arms, felt your weight, cuddled with you and kissed you. We didn't have nearly enough time together. My heart broke into a million pieces all over again when I had to give you away to the nurse so she could take you to the morgue. Two years ago I went home with empty arms and a purple memory box. I had to look forward to choosing between burial and cremation and when we chose cremation we had to choose which urn would be your 'home.' Instead of enjoying the early days of your life in our home we were left planning arrangements with the funeral home director. I had to leave you in the hospital all alone. Leaving you there was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You belong with me. I am your home. Your home is my heart. That is where you are and where you'll stay. You are so loved and so very missed. I think about you always. You transformed the very essence of my being. You taught me a new Love. Love in the midst of heartache, pain, and devastation. You are so unique and special. You are my son and I love you so very much.

Happy Birthday, Duncan!

Tomorrow is the day we honor and remember our babies

I wish there was something going on in my city.  I'm going to light Duncan's candle and a candle in honor of all babies lost too soon.

Face of Loss, Face of Hope

Getting the word out. Putting a face to the loss of a child. Lots of love to fellow babyloss mothers.

Meeting with my therapist

I have an appointment on Friday to see my therapist. I was recently diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder, both of which I've had for years and I'm now choosing to address it. I *think* she might have said bipolar type II, but can't be certain. I'm going to ask her on Friday.

Toward the end of the first meeting I asked her why I came to peace with Duncan's death so early on. I mentioned to her that I never went through the stages of grief that many talk about. I never felt depressed, but what is that supposed to feel like during a tragic loss? How does one tell the difference between managing one's grief and depression? The depression started after having Grace so it's not something new or grief-driven.

I have long felt abnormal because I processed his death in a different way. Losing him hurt like nothing I've felt before. I physically ached. I still ache. At first I was too numb to breakdown and cry after the shock and reality hit. I felt so numb and in disbelief. I had watery eyes when it was realized he was gone, but I knew before the confirmation that he was no longer with me. Coming home with no baby felt so wrong. An (doula that watched Grace and Evey) greeted me with tears and a hug. She hugged me so tight as I stood there numb and almost emotionless. I couldn't break down. I just felt broken. I immediately went to the computer to work on his pictures after she left. I needed to see him again. Even if it meant just a picture.

I came to peace with his death and accepted it only weeks after he died. When I got pregnant with Henry and was interviewing the CPMs in the area and talked about my pregnancy with Duncan I was very matter-of-fact and technical. I am typically like that, but I guess others took notice of that and thought it meant I was handling his death so well. I handled it the only way I knew how. They way that felt comfortable to me.

My therapist asked me if I tend to intellectualize things. Funny that she asked that. My answer was yes. She was confident that this was/is the case here. I must say that I agree. She said that while the bulk of the therapy will be to work on the issues surrounding depression--irritability/temper/short fuse and SAD, she wants to address Duncan's death. She thinks it will help.

It's interesting that after almost 2 years I still recall the event like it was yesterday. I recall those memories daily. I know losing a child always sticks with you. I think about him daily. It's just amazing how fast time flies. Sometimes it feels like my world fell apart yesterday.

It's been 20 months

Wow. I can't believe how fast time flies. I remember everything so vividly, as if it happened yesterday. The memories and emotions are still so fresh in my mind. Duncan's 2nd birthday is in the coming months. Henry's 1st birthday shortly follows. It's very bittersweet. I think the world of my little guy, my sweet rainbow baby. He's amazing. My Joy. My Light at the end of a dark tunnel. I can't imagine him not being here. I look at him and see a little of Duncan, and that makes me smile. I miss my sweet Duncan. It's comforting to know he's still with me and the family in spirit.

He walks with me . . .

I will carry him through this life with me, for he can not walk this life himself.

I got Duncan's footprints touched up last month.  I love how they turned out.  Fabulous!

A month overdue - Homebirth of Henry, Our Rainbow Baby

Our rainbow baby is finally here! ♥

What is a rainbow baby?

“Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

It was a great birth and quite the experience, but not what any of us expected. I'm ecstatic I finally got to have my homebirth. Waited so long for it.

Backstory

Mark arrived home on R&R Christmas morning. That night we 'baby danced' twice hoping it would put me into labor. I did get contractions ranging from 3-5 minutes apart for about three hours, but there was no change in dilation or effacement. I was still 5 cm and 80% effaced. My midwife did say my cervix moved more anterior and wasn't off to the side as it was before. So some progress, but not labor or anything.

The 26th was the day we had long planned on inducing me. This was the day my midwife and I talked about getting things going as Mark was due to arrive on Christmas and I was ready for this journey to be over. I finally wanted to have my rainbow baby. We got up the morning of the 26th prepared for a long day ahead of us. We knew with induction it could take time. The girls were already at my mom's house, but we decided to get them to give her a break. I spoke to my midwife about our plans. The methods of induction included castor oil and herbs. We figured we'd start with the castor oil first since it's known to work within 2-4 hours. This is what we were hoping for anyway. I took my first dose of castor oil at 1:30 p.m. It was a CO concoction I bought a while back that had other stuff in it (blue cohosh and clove and lemon EO). Thinking it would kick in within 2-4 hours we filled up the birth pool. The girls were getting very excited. It still didn't see real to me or Mark.

My midwife arrived a little after 2:00 p.m. After a few hours of waiting for the CO to take effect we decided to go for a walk around the apt. complex. The girls were getting restless and we were hoping walking would help with getting my bowels moving. I took two doses of CO total. We hoped the second would take effect. The first dose was utterly disgusting. I took it in V8 juice. Gross. The clove and other stuff didn't help, either. The second dose was better because I mixed it with rocky road ice cream. Much better. My midwife was confident this time it would work. All this time had passed and we were beginning to think I was an anomaly. No bathroom trips at all 6 hours after the first dose and 2 hours after the second. Time for herbs. We alternated between black and blue cohosh. I believe I took 4 doses total inside of two hours. During this whole time I was getting braxton hicks contractions. No active labor contractions or change in cervix. They were muck like warm up contractions like I'd been having on and off for over a week. We spent a good amount of time watching TV to kill time. The girls started getting restless so I had Mark take them to my mom's. We had planned to call her as soon as we knew I was in labor.

The good stuff

We were beginning to think the CO would never take effect or if it did it would be after the birth. 8 hours after the first dose I found myself taking a trip to the bathroom. Finally! I think I took about four trips to the bathroom. I would get contractions during the BMs. I felt cleaned out. More braxton hicks started coming here and there around 10:50p.m. Whenever I did get them they felt somewhat productive, but nothing to write home about. To my disappointment they never stuck. I'd get a few that were 3-4 minutes apart and then they'd go away. My midwife checked me around 11:00p.m. and said I was 6 cm. My guess is from me sitting and rocking on the loo during all those trips to the bathroom. For my FaceBook buddies you will know this was around the time I updated my status. I took my laptop to the bathroom with me so I could rock on the toilet. It seemed to help. I'm told it helps bring the baby down. I'm not sure at what point I went back into the living room, but I went to get a drink and my midwife and her intern looked at me wondering what was up. My midwife asked if I was having contractions and I told her I was. I was in the middle of one when I was in the kitchen. Apparently I'm one of the quiet ones. I go on about my business as usual during the whole process. From my end I wasn't in 'labor' so it was completely normal for me to behave as if nothing was going on. I felt fine, but very impatient.

With the news that things were sort of progressing I decided to call my mom to let her know. I was in the girls' room when I was talking to her on the phone. I had about three contractions during our phone conversation. I would just keep swaying and circling my hips. At some point during our conversation I felt something leaking. I felt to see what it was. I thought it was fluid, but no, it was blood. I didn't really think anything at that point. Just walked back into the living room and showed my midwife the blood on my fingers. They laid me on the bed to check his heart tones and all was good. Heartbeat in the 140's. She checked my cervix and it was a stretchy 6 cm. It was swollen and puffy in the front, which was the cause of bleeding. A lot of pressure on the cervix can cause it to swell, which she thinks was from me sitting on the toilet. I was still talking to my mom on the phone when they were checking me.

As soon as I got off the phone they had me turn on my left side to relieve pressure on my cervix. The next contraction I had was intense. Lying down made contractions worse. The one after I felt some pressure. I was clinching my sheets with the next contraction. That pressure was intense. The thought of getting into the birth pool came to mind, but there was no way I was moving. The contractions seemed like they were coming back to back. I told my midwife I was feeling pressure and she said not to push yet because my cervix wasn't ready. I felt like I had to hold him in. With the next contraction I propped myself up a little and said, "He's coming!" She rushed over and could see his head was already out and my legs were still partially closed. I reached down to feel his head while trembling and shaking. I was in such shock that I didn't know what to think. Holy hell! How could his head be out when not 5 minutes before I was still 6 cm? I was *just* on the phone with my mom! She quickly moved my right leg back and he just shot out. I'm pretty sure my membranes ruptured when his body shot out. My midwife caught him and put him on my chest. He was born at 11:51p.m after a virtually nonexistent labor.

Mark said he called my mom as soon as I said "pressure." He was born right after he hung up the phone. During this short period of time Mark was just standing there looking completely shocked and stunned. I think we all were. We all know I have fast labors and births, but hell, that was crazy. I was in such shock after he was born I didn't know what to think. I felt him move and heard him cry and breathed a sigh of relief knowing he was alive, but my mind was racing with thoughts of "What the hell just happened?!" After I was able to take it all in I looked him over. I thought he looked more like 7 pounds than 9, but my midwife said he looked 9 lbs and he was. 9 pounds and 22 inches. His head was 14 inches. With the very precipitous birth I was left with a skid mark, labial split and small tear. No sutures were needed.

It was a crazy experience, but a good one. There was a huge mess. Blood and fluid everywhere. All over my sheets and mattress and floor next to the bed. My poor down comforter. Fluid went flying when my membranes ruptured. Good thing we had hydrogen peroxide to get the blood out. Hopefully next time I'll get to have a waterbirth. No mess! I was just never sure when to get in the pool because my contractions never developed a pattern and were barely noticeable until right before his birth. There really was no real "labor." No video or pictures of his birth. They were charged and ready, but there was no time to do really anything. Things progressed too quickly.

I'm so happy he's with us now. Feels like I've waited so long for this. My arms are no longer empty. He's real. He's here. Finally! I love looking at him and smelling him. Oh how I missed that smell. He's so lovely and sweet.

Here's some sweet baby goodness:

Isn't he yummy?

Exam pictures: