Quote

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

I recently came across this quote and it rings so true. Most are unsure what to say or how to react when a relative or friend loses a child. This often leaves the grieving parents feeling alone and abandoned because relatives and family ignore the loss or skirt around it. We're not so fragile that the slightest mention of our child will cause us to crumble and fall apart. We want others to acknowledge our child and their life, however long or short. To forget they ever existed by skirting around them hurts the grieving parents even more. I like talking about Duncan. I'm reminded of him everyday. I smile when someone inquires about the meaning of my tattoos. Talking about him doesn't make me uncomfortable or reopen wounds. It brings me joy to talk about him, honor and remember him. I want others to acknowledge him and what he means to me.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

It's hard to believe it's been two years since I carried you in my womb, where you knew only love and warmth. It's been two years since my world came crashing down. Two years since I held you in my arms, felt your weight, cuddled with you and kissed you. We didn't have nearly enough time together. My heart broke into a million pieces all over again when I had to give you away to the nurse so she could take you to the morgue. Two years ago I went home with empty arms and a purple memory box. I had to look forward to choosing between burial and cremation and when we chose cremation we had to choose which urn would be your 'home.' Instead of enjoying the early days of your life in our home we were left planning arrangements with the funeral home director. I had to leave you in the hospital all alone. Leaving you there was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You belong with me. I am your home. Your home is my heart. That is where you are and where you'll stay. You are so loved and so very missed. I think about you always. You transformed the very essence of my being. You taught me a new Love. Love in the midst of heartache, pain, and devastation. You are so unique and special. You are my son and I love you so very much.

Happy Birthday, Duncan!

Tomorrow is the day we honor and remember our babies

I wish there was something going on in my city.  I'm going to light Duncan's candle and a candle in honor of all babies lost too soon.

Face of Loss, Face of Hope

Getting the word out. Putting a face to the loss of a child. Lots of love to fellow babyloss mothers.

Meeting with my therapist

I have an appointment on Friday to see my therapist. I was recently diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder, both of which I've had for years and I'm now choosing to address it. I *think* she might have said bipolar type II, but can't be certain. I'm going to ask her on Friday.

Toward the end of the first meeting I asked her why I came to peace with Duncan's death so early on. I mentioned to her that I never went through the stages of grief that many talk about. I never felt depressed, but what is that supposed to feel like during a tragic loss? How does one tell the difference between managing one's grief and depression? The depression started after having Grace so it's not something new or grief-driven.

I have long felt abnormal because I processed his death in a different way. Losing him hurt like nothing I've felt before. I physically ached. I still ache. At first I was too numb to breakdown and cry after the shock and reality hit. I felt so numb and in disbelief. I had watery eyes when it was realized he was gone, but I knew before the confirmation that he was no longer with me. Coming home with no baby felt so wrong. An (doula that watched Grace and Evey) greeted me with tears and a hug. She hugged me so tight as I stood there numb and almost emotionless. I couldn't break down. I just felt broken. I immediately went to the computer to work on his pictures after she left. I needed to see him again. Even if it meant just a picture.

I came to peace with his death and accepted it only weeks after he died. When I got pregnant with Henry and was interviewing the CPMs in the area and talked about my pregnancy with Duncan I was very matter-of-fact and technical. I am typically like that, but I guess others took notice of that and thought it meant I was handling his death so well. I handled it the only way I knew how. They way that felt comfortable to me.

My therapist asked me if I tend to intellectualize things. Funny that she asked that. My answer was yes. She was confident that this was/is the case here. I must say that I agree. She said that while the bulk of the therapy will be to work on the issues surrounding depression--irritability/temper/short fuse and SAD, she wants to address Duncan's death. She thinks it will help.

It's interesting that after almost 2 years I still recall the event like it was yesterday. I recall those memories daily. I know losing a child always sticks with you. I think about him daily. It's just amazing how fast time flies. Sometimes it feels like my world fell apart yesterday.

It's been 20 months

Wow. I can't believe how fast time flies. I remember everything so vividly, as if it happened yesterday. The memories and emotions are still so fresh in my mind. Duncan's 2nd birthday is in the coming months. Henry's 1st birthday shortly follows. It's very bittersweet. I think the world of my little guy, my sweet rainbow baby. He's amazing. My Joy. My Light at the end of a dark tunnel. I can't imagine him not being here. I look at him and see a little of Duncan, and that makes me smile. I miss my sweet Duncan. It's comforting to know he's still with me and the family in spirit.

He walks with me . . .

I will carry him through this life with me, for he can not walk this life himself.

I got Duncan's footprints touched up last month.  I love how they turned out.  Fabulous!