I heard the bean's heartbeat!

Woohoo! It was faint at first and then I got it to stick and heard it loud and clear. It was in the high 170's to 180 bpm.

It's ALIVE!

We have a heartbeat! I was SO nervous about not seeing a heartbeat or measuring behind. The heartbeat measured in the 150's and the babe measured exactly 7 w 4 d. My exact calculation based on ovulation/conception. I very much look forward to the start of the second trimester. I'm oh so tired the majority of the time and the nausea seems to be in full force. This pregnancy appears to mimic my pregnancy with Duncan. I go back and forth between wanting a boy and wanting a girl, but I know I'll be happy no matter what. I know deep down I want another boy. One I get to have and keep. I guess I'll find out what we're having in about 10 weeks or so.

Strange Days

It's late and I'm *really* tired, which isn't normal for me because I usually don't begin to get *really* tired 'til 11:00 pm or later. The fatigue set in this afternoon and started to really show early evening. Fatigue has been my main symptom since about 4 weeks. I have gotten the occasional heartburn, but it isn't a symptom I get everyday. I developed a headache yesterday and later today. What's really interesting is that I kept saying I don't feel pregnant. Aside from the fatigue and now headaches I haven't really had much nausea or queasiness. That is, until, later this evening. The queasiness set in, though subtle, but definitely noticeable. It reminds me of early pregnancy with Duncan. I told Mark I didn't feel pregnant when I was 5 weeks. Then a week later I was hit with fatigue and nausea/queasiness. I wish this headache would go away. I feel very blah. I'm still trying to stay optimistic and hopeful about this pregnancy. I'm also waiting on Mark's call. I hope he calls soon. Off to bed now . . . .

Memory Glass pendant

You can see them here: Memory Glass

I got mine in apricot color to match Duncan's birth stone color, citrine.

Proustian Phenomenon

Last night before bed I lit a white sage incense stick. White sage will always remind me of my darkest time. It reminds me of the pain and heartache I felt days following the loss of Duncan. It also reminds me of the love and support I had around me. Lighting the white sage smudge the first time felt very cleansing. The scent brings back these memories and the emotions I experienced then. Every time I light a smudge or incense stick I feel a wave of emotions and memories wash over me. Sadness, pain, numbness, emptiness, and when the smoke clears I'm left feeling a sense of clarity and optimism. Another scent that transports me back to that time is neroli. When I received a crocheted baby blanket a friend made for me I applied some of my solid neroli perfume to it. Scents are very comforting to me. They're attached to feelings, emotions and memories. Those two scents will always live with me. They're attached to the most life changing event so far in my life.

Finding the Light in Utter Darkness

There were times I'd ask myself how I'd find my way back to the Light. The Source of warmth, joy, optimism, and hope. In the beginning it felt as though there would be no Light to come rescue me from the darkness that grew around me. How would I find the Light again? Would the darkness ever loosen its grip? I felt swallowed up in darkness without ever so much a glimpse of Light.

While wandering in the darkness unable to find my way back to the Light I realized that I had been searching for something else to pull me up, to rescue me, when it was me that was the Light I was searching for. It was in me. It was never gone. It just appeared that way because the darkness consumed everything around me. The Light was with me all along. It was then I was able to see a glimpse of Light, where the darkness had loosened its grip. Now I was able to find my way to a place of healing, peace and hope.

The Dawn of a New Life: A Big Fat Positive Tale

Translation: I'm pregnant. I'm due with our fourth child December 31st 2009. At 11 dpo (for you non-TTC folks -- 11 days past ovulation), the morning of April 20th, I woke up and took my temperature. 98.1 the basal body thermometer read. Still high. Even though for the previous two weeks I told myself that I wouldn't test until 12 dpo, I caved in. I scoured my bedroom in search for the last internet cheapie test I had. I was hesitant to test because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I also thought to myself that I hadn't experienced any spotting so that must be a good sign. I went in search for a suitable cup for my liquid gold (pee). I ended up using a kid cup (sorry girls). I dipped the IC strip in for like 15 seconds and laid it on the counter. I knew it was best not to look at it until a couple minutes had past, but I was too impatient to wait a couple minutes. So, I waited like 10 seconds, if that. I told myself nothing was there. I'm fooling myself. After 30 seconds or so I see a faint pink line appear. I think to myself, "This can't be real. There's no way. I'm imagining things." But, I wasn't. There *was* a line, but I was still doubting it. I needed to confirm it with a FRER (First Response Early Result). I asked my kind husband (Mark) if he could run to the store to get me a test. Mean while, my cup of pee was sitting there waiting for me to dip another stick in it.

So, where to from here? Oh yeah, Mark went to the store and came back with bags of groceries. I'm standing there like a kid waiting anxiously for her birthday present wondering which bag holds my treasure. I peeked in a few of the bags and didn't see my pee sticks. :cry: I had waited like almost two hours. I was getting so anxious. I asked Mark about my sticks and he said he completely forgot about them. I guess taking two kids grocery shopping with you can do that. He volunteered to go back to the store. Of course, at this point I was *still* on pins and needles needing more of a concrete answer. I think roughly 45 minutes went by and my nervousness was getting worse. Finally, after what felt like forever, I see the car pull up. What was my response or reaction? I run to hide in my room. I didn't want to look like a fool, all anxious and excited about her pee sticks that she had long been waiting for (not really long, but to a TTC woman, 3 hours is a long time to wait). I peeked out of the room and glance at the bags. About the third time I did this I found, to my horror, my daughters waving the box of pee sticks in my father-in-law's face! NOOOOO! I didn't want him to know what the deal was just yet. NO! I can only hope that he didn't have a clue what was in that pink box. Yeah right!

When I saw them waving it at him I got one of the girls to bring me the box. I hurried into the bathroom. I managed to get a SMU (second morning urine) collection before testing. So, I had the FMU (first morning urine) and SMU collection. I wanted to see which collection produced the strongest line. I dipped the sticks and waited. I waited like 5 seconds to look at the sticks. Within 30 seconds I see lines! Woohoo! These weren't faint lines, either. These were nice pink lines. I felt SO relieved. Now I didn't have to hold back my excitement. The SMU collection yielded a darker line. It was such a pretty line. I was in disbelief. Here we were with a BFP, less than two weeks to go before Mark deploys. I just had a feeling this would be the case.

I couldn't contain my excitement even though I was nervous about this pregnancy. Pregnancy after a loss can be nerve-wracking and scary. I told some family members that day, including the in-laws. The following day I called a local homebirth midwife to schedule an interview. The interview was set for that Thursday. It was a great interview. The midwife and her assistant midwife were wonderful. I felt nothing but good vibes. My first appt. is June 1st. There are times I'm still in a state of disbelief. I'm nervous and scared. I want this pregnancy to be uneventful and painless. I also remind myself multiple times a day to take it one day at a time. And to remain optimistic and positive. I know every baby and pregnancy is unique. I want very much to treat this pregnancy with the same innocence I had with my others. I want so much to enjoy this pregnancy. All I can do is remain positive. This little bean is part of me and I want to cherish every moment I have with him/her. Hope for the best is about all I can do. That is my plan.

**As for the picture, the 11 dpo test line doesn't show up well here. I took the picture three days after I took this test. It had lightened after two days. This was the FMU picture, the lighter test line.