Maybe baby?

I guess we shall see.  Midwife called yesterday to cancel my prenatal appt. because she was heading to a birth.  She did say that depending on how she feels she may be up to getting things going.  We're hoping a good membrane sweep will do the job.  She's confident it will put me into labor.  So either today or tomorrow.  Still waiting to hear from her.  If not today or tomorrow then Saturday.

Most recent belly pic:

What I want for Christmas

Besides Henry born safely into my arms . . .

I love cameo pendants.  I think this one is especially symbolic of this journey.  Duncan 'watching over' Henry.  It makes me cry when I think about it.

Belly Photos

 31 weeks -

35 weeks -

37.4 weeks -

Overdue pics of Henry - 33 weeks

My beautiful little guy. =)

Belly Picture!

29 weeks -

October 15th - Remembering Our Babies

Light a candle at 7:00 pm (your time) in memory and honor of our babies.

It's Henry

A little overdue for pictures.  I had a 3D u/s on the 1st.  We also changed his name from Grayson to Henry.  It feels right now.  He feels like a Henry to me.  He looked great on the ultrasound, though he was quite comfortable in the one position he was in, frank breech.  I can't wait to meet him!

 

 

 

Visit with the perinatologist

A little overdue. I had an appt. at the MFM practice on the 14th. I had been anxious about how I was going to find a specialist and how to get a referral since I'm not seeing an obstetrician. I e-mailed one in town about my situation and he agreed to set up a referral even though I was not his patient. I was quite surprised.

I was a ball of nerves that day. I was so anxious and excited to see him and see how he was doing, but then I was nervous about the actual ultrasound and whether something would be found. I first met with the genetic counselor and she was very nice and understanding. After meeting with her I met up with the u/s tech and she was great. She took her time and told me everything she was doing and I asked questions. A lot of things looked familiar to me from all the other ultrasounds I've had in the past. She told me that everything looked good to her, but the doctor would be coming in to check some things out and talk with me. There goes those nerves again.

The doctor asked a lot of questions about my pregnancy history and I told her about Duncan's complications. She took her time goinf over his heart. I held my breath a couple times because she'd spend her time focusing on one view of the heart. Good thing all is okay. She did bring another doctor in to see if he could get a better view of the heart because little Grayson was in a funky position. According to the u/s tech and perinatologists he's looking great. He was estimated the weigh 1 lb. The u/s tech was really nice. The entire ultrasound lasted about an hour. It was pretty detailed, which was reassurring for me.

They want me to come back in a couple weeks so they can get a particular view of the heart. Yay for a good ultrasound!!!

Half Way There - 20 weeks!

 

Woohoo!  Some days it feels as though this pregnancy is flying by.  I hope it continues to feel that way.  I'm beginning to feel more movement now.  I was beginning to grow very impatient about not feeling stronger movement.  I think this is the first time I've had an anterior placenta.  I have "popped" somewhat, but unfortunately I'm still sporting a B belly. :sigh:  I figure I'll start to really show in a couple weeks or so.  My next midwife appt. is on the 27th.  I still need to get the diagnostic scan done.  I've been playing phone tag with the nurse from the doctor's office I called.  I'm still nervous and apprehensive.  Sometimes I worry about his condition wondering if everything is okay.   I just want everything to be okay.  I know I'm going to be so nervous come the ultrasound.  Hopefully everything is shown to be in good working order and I can breathe a sigh of relief.

Today also happens to be Mark's birthday. =)

Reborn Duncan

For information on reborn dolls see wiki (everyone loves wiki, right?--- sarcasm)

I've been considering having a memory doll made for many months. I've always thought they were interesting, but never considered one for myself until after losing Duncan. A couple discussions have been brought up on a support forum for baby loss mothers. Some moms expressed interest in a memory doll. I've been drawn to one, but somehow would end up retiring the idea because society deems it "weird," "morbid," "delusional," or whatever. That a doll can't possibly replace the child that was lost. I have brought this up for debate on other forums and many non-baby loss mothers expressed that if it was beneficial for the mother in her grief then all is fine. The only time it becomes weird is when the mother begins treating the doll as if it's her real baby. It may not be the right choice for some, but I believe it's very much the right choice for me.

My friend Dawn referred me to a reborn artist that offers memory reborn services. I was amazed at her work when Dawn shared reborn William. So very life-like and real. She did a wonderful job recreating baby William. What has been really hard for me is that while I have come to a sort of peace with him being gone, what I have to remember him by doesn't bring positive feelings. A lot of the feelings resurface and I start thinking about all the things I regret. How I wish I had taken more pictures or how I wish I had taken notice to his lack of movement and maybe if he were born sooner we could have spent more time with him. Three hours was definitely not enough. He was so delicate and fragile. Even though he was dead I thought I was hurting him somehow. Seeing him in that state killed me and those images still upset me. I wish I had more "pretty" pictures.

Having a doll made in his likeness will hopefully bring me that peace and closure. Where I have something positive to think about. Instead of trying to fantasize how he should or would have looked like, I'll have something tangible made in his likeness. No blue/pale skin or blisters and skin deterioration. No vernix all over him and no dark red lips. I can't wait to see what Duncan would have looked like. The issue with having a memory doll made in his likeness is trying to find one that shares Down Syndrome features/characteristics. Finding a preemie size wasn't difficult at all. Just finding a *cute* sculpt that actually resembles him. I found two good matches, but the sleeping doll wasn't exactly cute to me. It had a lot of the Ds features, but wasn't very pretty. The other would have made for an older version of Duncan. I want a young/newborn Duncan.

Marilyn, the artist, recommended some sculpts. I immediately liked two of them, which were the ones she liked as well.

I'm planning on two dolls, one sleeping and one awake. Here's the sleeping version:

Here's the "awake" version:

Here's my Duncan:

A Little Overdue - We're Having A . . .

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BOY!!!!

:Happy Dance: :Happy Dance: Woohoo!!

Found out last Saturday. I was on pins and needles. My instinct told me boy and have felt boy vibes all along, but I prepared myself to be fooled and hear "girl" at the u/s. I spotted the "turtle" (boy parts) and then she said it. I was beaming ear to ear. I was still in disbelief after two days. I love him. He's so handsome already.

Gender Preference and . . .

Disappointment. The feelings involved in gender preference and disappointment are very real.

We find out the sex on Saturday, in two days, and I'm SO nervous. Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have kept thinking boy because this pregnancy reminds me so much of my pregnancy with Duncan. I'm getting total boy vibes. My intuition was right with my others, but I'm not so confident now. I've been preparing myself to hear "girl," and as much as I try to be as excited and happy about the prospects of another girl, it's hard. I try to think about the positive aspects of having another girl, but I can't help but yearn for a boy. I wanted a boy with Duncan and I got him, but in the end, I didn't get to keep him. =(

It doesn't help that I think I see a boy nub in the NT scan picture. I don't want to get my hopes up, though. I'd love to experience a mother & son relationship. Just two more days! Ack!

Mark may be here for the birth after all

Found out yesterday that they're extending them to 12 months. It was previously 10 months. He saw it coming, so we knew from early on there was a chance they would get extended. He's putting in his leave request (R&R) for Dec 16th-Jan 5th. That's a good window. So hopefully babe cooperates and he'll actually get to be present for the birth. I'm excited and I know he is.

Met with one of the ATL midwives

I met with Sarahn and she's very nice. She's one of few black midwives in the area. It's a longstanding tradition here in the South. The interview lasted a couple hours and everything went well. I still want to interview two other midwives I talked to previously. I felt a really good vibe when I talked to Debbie a month ago. Plus, Debbie knows Lisa (my midwife with Duncan), so that's a huge plus. My interview with Claudia or Debbie is next Tuesday.

New Beginnings?

Somewhat, I guess. We made it to ATL yesterday at around 2:00 pm. We made about four stops total. The girls did well on the trip. Uh. This humidity. I'm never going to get used to in. One would think after living in Jacksonville, NC for three years that I would be acclimated to this weather already. I hate it.

Anywho, I got my apt. and now all I have to do is finish buying stuff for the place. Just basic stuff. I still need to contact the midwives I talked to a few weeks back to let them know I made it here and decided to move early.

Things Are A-Changin'

Come next week I will be out of the in-laws' house and will feel a great sense of relief. I've been so stressed, frustrated and depressed these last 3-4 weeks. The experience of living here for 10 weeks has shown me a lot and opened my eyes to a lot. I will miss Wanda and Krystal, my midwives and the possibility of birthing at the Miracle Farm. That place just looks magical and serene. Just beautiful. It just isn't working out with the in-laws, so I need to bounce and go my own way. Atlanta, here were come!!!!!!

NT Scan

I spoke to the doctor after the scan and he said the measurements looked great and I'll get the results from the BW in about a week. Baby measured 12w4d.

I think I feel flutters!

It feels like buzzing or butterflies. I felt the flutters a couple times when using the doppler. It's such an awesome feeling.

Intelligender said . . .

BOY! I guess I'll see in 8-9 weeks if it's right. It was right with Duncan, but likely due to coincidence since it doesn't have a great accuracy rate.

I heard the bean's heartbeat!

Woohoo! It was faint at first and then I got it to stick and heard it loud and clear. It was in the high 170's to 180 bpm.

It's ALIVE!

We have a heartbeat! I was SO nervous about not seeing a heartbeat or measuring behind. The heartbeat measured in the 150's and the babe measured exactly 7 w 4 d. My exact calculation based on ovulation/conception. I very much look forward to the start of the second trimester. I'm oh so tired the majority of the time and the nausea seems to be in full force. This pregnancy appears to mimic my pregnancy with Duncan. I go back and forth between wanting a boy and wanting a girl, but I know I'll be happy no matter what. I know deep down I want another boy. One I get to have and keep. I guess I'll find out what we're having in about 10 weeks or so.

Strange Days

It's late and I'm *really* tired, which isn't normal for me because I usually don't begin to get *really* tired 'til 11:00 pm or later. The fatigue set in this afternoon and started to really show early evening. Fatigue has been my main symptom since about 4 weeks. I have gotten the occasional heartburn, but it isn't a symptom I get everyday. I developed a headache yesterday and later today. What's really interesting is that I kept saying I don't feel pregnant. Aside from the fatigue and now headaches I haven't really had much nausea or queasiness. That is, until, later this evening. The queasiness set in, though subtle, but definitely noticeable. It reminds me of early pregnancy with Duncan. I told Mark I didn't feel pregnant when I was 5 weeks. Then a week later I was hit with fatigue and nausea/queasiness. I wish this headache would go away. I feel very blah. I'm still trying to stay optimistic and hopeful about this pregnancy. I'm also waiting on Mark's call. I hope he calls soon. Off to bed now . . . .

Memory Glass pendant

You can see them here: Memory Glass

I got mine in apricot color to match Duncan's birth stone color, citrine.

Proustian Phenomenon

Last night before bed I lit a white sage incense stick. White sage will always remind me of my darkest time. It reminds me of the pain and heartache I felt days following the loss of Duncan. It also reminds me of the love and support I had around me. Lighting the white sage smudge the first time felt very cleansing. The scent brings back these memories and the emotions I experienced then. Every time I light a smudge or incense stick I feel a wave of emotions and memories wash over me. Sadness, pain, numbness, emptiness, and when the smoke clears I'm left feeling a sense of clarity and optimism. Another scent that transports me back to that time is neroli. When I received a crocheted baby blanket a friend made for me I applied some of my solid neroli perfume to it. Scents are very comforting to me. They're attached to feelings, emotions and memories. Those two scents will always live with me. They're attached to the most life changing event so far in my life.

Finding the Light in Utter Darkness

There were times I'd ask myself how I'd find my way back to the Light. The Source of warmth, joy, optimism, and hope. In the beginning it felt as though there would be no Light to come rescue me from the darkness that grew around me. How would I find the Light again? Would the darkness ever loosen its grip? I felt swallowed up in darkness without ever so much a glimpse of Light.

While wandering in the darkness unable to find my way back to the Light I realized that I had been searching for something else to pull me up, to rescue me, when it was me that was the Light I was searching for. It was in me. It was never gone. It just appeared that way because the darkness consumed everything around me. The Light was with me all along. It was then I was able to see a glimpse of Light, where the darkness had loosened its grip. Now I was able to find my way to a place of healing, peace and hope.

The Dawn of a New Life: A Big Fat Positive Tale

Translation: I'm pregnant. I'm due with our fourth child December 31st 2009. At 11 dpo (for you non-TTC folks -- 11 days past ovulation), the morning of April 20th, I woke up and took my temperature. 98.1 the basal body thermometer read. Still high. Even though for the previous two weeks I told myself that I wouldn't test until 12 dpo, I caved in. I scoured my bedroom in search for the last internet cheapie test I had. I was hesitant to test because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I also thought to myself that I hadn't experienced any spotting so that must be a good sign. I went in search for a suitable cup for my liquid gold (pee). I ended up using a kid cup (sorry girls). I dipped the IC strip in for like 15 seconds and laid it on the counter. I knew it was best not to look at it until a couple minutes had past, but I was too impatient to wait a couple minutes. So, I waited like 10 seconds, if that. I told myself nothing was there. I'm fooling myself. After 30 seconds or so I see a faint pink line appear. I think to myself, "This can't be real. There's no way. I'm imagining things." But, I wasn't. There *was* a line, but I was still doubting it. I needed to confirm it with a FRER (First Response Early Result). I asked my kind husband (Mark) if he could run to the store to get me a test. Mean while, my cup of pee was sitting there waiting for me to dip another stick in it.

So, where to from here? Oh yeah, Mark went to the store and came back with bags of groceries. I'm standing there like a kid waiting anxiously for her birthday present wondering which bag holds my treasure. I peeked in a few of the bags and didn't see my pee sticks. :cry: I had waited like almost two hours. I was getting so anxious. I asked Mark about my sticks and he said he completely forgot about them. I guess taking two kids grocery shopping with you can do that. He volunteered to go back to the store. Of course, at this point I was *still* on pins and needles needing more of a concrete answer. I think roughly 45 minutes went by and my nervousness was getting worse. Finally, after what felt like forever, I see the car pull up. What was my response or reaction? I run to hide in my room. I didn't want to look like a fool, all anxious and excited about her pee sticks that she had long been waiting for (not really long, but to a TTC woman, 3 hours is a long time to wait). I peeked out of the room and glance at the bags. About the third time I did this I found, to my horror, my daughters waving the box of pee sticks in my father-in-law's face! NOOOOO! I didn't want him to know what the deal was just yet. NO! I can only hope that he didn't have a clue what was in that pink box. Yeah right!

When I saw them waving it at him I got one of the girls to bring me the box. I hurried into the bathroom. I managed to get a SMU (second morning urine) collection before testing. So, I had the FMU (first morning urine) and SMU collection. I wanted to see which collection produced the strongest line. I dipped the sticks and waited. I waited like 5 seconds to look at the sticks. Within 30 seconds I see lines! Woohoo! These weren't faint lines, either. These were nice pink lines. I felt SO relieved. Now I didn't have to hold back my excitement. The SMU collection yielded a darker line. It was such a pretty line. I was in disbelief. Here we were with a BFP, less than two weeks to go before Mark deploys. I just had a feeling this would be the case.

I couldn't contain my excitement even though I was nervous about this pregnancy. Pregnancy after a loss can be nerve-wracking and scary. I told some family members that day, including the in-laws. The following day I called a local homebirth midwife to schedule an interview. The interview was set for that Thursday. It was a great interview. The midwife and her assistant midwife were wonderful. I felt nothing but good vibes. My first appt. is June 1st. There are times I'm still in a state of disbelief. I'm nervous and scared. I want this pregnancy to be uneventful and painless. I also remind myself multiple times a day to take it one day at a time. And to remain optimistic and positive. I know every baby and pregnancy is unique. I want very much to treat this pregnancy with the same innocence I had with my others. I want so much to enjoy this pregnancy. All I can do is remain positive. This little bean is part of me and I want to cherish every moment I have with him/her. Hope for the best is about all I can do. That is my plan.

**As for the picture, the 11 dpo test line doesn't show up well here. I took the picture three days after I took this test. It had lightened after two days. This was the FMU picture, the lighter test line.

Oculus de Patris (Eye of the Father)

Since November 14th, 2008, I've been a parent of a dead child. That statement in itself is profoundly unfamiliar to me, as I wish it is to everyone else. But why don't I feel the stereotypical emotions associated with such a loss? Grief, sadness, anger? Even with my best answer to this, I still feel as if it isn't enough, as if I should feel more.

I am a logical person. For each action, there is a reaction and each question there is an answer. In understanding the events surrounding his death, I really had to search inside myself to find the answer that best suited my logical thinking as well my personal reasoning.

First was his death. Duncan died at 35 weeks due to birth defects associated with Down's Syndrome. I do not believe that I was being punished by some guy in the sky because he got pissed off when I deconverted from Christianity. What I did find is that when I examined the human process and human nature, I realized one glaring comparison. Man's creations are always flawed, whether it is a pencil, a computer, or commuter jet. All aspects of man's life is controlled by a system of checks and balances to provide procedures for when things go wrong. For example, in the production life of a computer, there are quality control tests that are performed before the product is shipped to the consumer. If it passes, then it is good to go, but if not, then it is pulled from shipping. That being said, every once in a while you will read consumer reports of defective computers being purchased. That is where I pull my comparison from. When Duncan was growing inside Brittany's womb, he was fine until he basically got to the quality control checks, the point where his organs needed to work on their own. Being that his heart and lungs, among other organs, could not support life, he died. He did not make it to the the consumer market. And there are some children that do. Children born with mental or physical handicaps that run the gamut of living normal lives or dying at an early age. It all goes back to the human process. We are all made 99% the same. We get the same parts the same way. However, that last 1% is what makes us unique, human. The infinite combinations of biological chemicals swirling around in our body contribute to the best and the worst of humanity. It is tragic that the human process is extremely merciless when it comes to the growth of a fetus. Whether we like it or not, that is our process. The human process. Fix what is repairable, discard what is not. My realization of this comparison is what has drawn me to an understanding of my emotions, or lack thereof depending on the point of view.

First let me say that losing Duncan was the most traumatic event I have experienced in my 25 years on this planet and I wish upon no one to go through that. Now when I began to notice that my emotions following his death didn't portray the typical grieving process, I had to determine if I was feeling anything at all and why. My first inquiry was to the bond and I found that there wasn't a physical bond in place, due to the fact that I hadn't actually seen him until he was stillborn. Mothers have a distinct advantage when it comes to the birthing process in that they have had 9 months to bond with their little nugget of vomit and projectile poop. The kicking, hiccupping, and heartbeat will always be a second hand experience to the father and therefore must build his bond through the mother. Once the child is born, however, the father is then able to bond as the mother has. I believe that is why I was less visibly emotional after his death. I am heartbroken by his death, yet because I had no physical interaction while he was alive, I hadn't formed a fatherly bond with him. The bond I shared through Brittany was apparent that night and day in the hospital. The moment he came out, limp and small, I ultimately knew that he was gone and there would be no fatherly bond to be made. That is what affected me the most.

I found it relativley easy to move on though. I know that may be a harsh statement for some as it is for me, but it is the truth. With my logic mindedness, I recognized he had been a part of my life and will continue to be, but because a physical bond had not yet been established, the time I spent in grieving sufficed for me to move forward. It's really a judgement process in the amount of time spent in mourning. The two biggest factors that I think go into the grieving process is length of the relationship and personal mentality. There is no set timetable or stereotypical standard of grief. It's just what makes you feel right after you've honored your lost without diminishing the impact that they have had on your life.

When we lose something, we are not saddened by the loss, but rather the ceasing of possession. To really honor our loved ones when they have passed, we must honor them with our love while they are present.

-M. A. Hines

Asherah, the Mother Goddess and Tree of Life

Hymn to Asherah (modified from "Hail Mary")

Hail Asherah, Source of all Grace,
Yahweh is with Thee,
Blessed art Thou amongst the gods,
And blessed art Thou of Yahweh.

Holy Chavah, Mother of all,
Hear the prayers of Your children,
Now, and through all their lives.

The birth that never came to be

For months I had been planning and anticipating the joyous and peaceful homebirth of precious Duncan. I was so completely excited and anxious. I had been wanting this experience for so long. I looked forward to it from the beginning. I love giving birth. Birthing a new life is so empowering, more so when it is done on your own terms, in your own environment surrounded by loved ones. I wanted this so much. I still get emotional and deeply sad when I recall the events that took place in the wee hours of Friday morning. I felt so helpless and lost. I hated being in the hospital. I hated not being in control and poked and prodded. I regret going back to be induced. I wasn't thinking clearly. I wasn't thinking at all. I was just so shocked and stunned by it all that I didn't even consider the idea of just staying home and birthing him there. It would have been as "peaceful" as it could be in that situation. It still wouldn't have filled the void, the void of giving birth to life, but it would have caused me less anxiety and stress.

I will get my dream birth; I will get my homebirth. I look forward to the day I where I will be overcome with joy, happiness, empowerment, awe and wonder. I wait for that day; I wait for that birth. It will come.

Isis, Goddess of Mothering

I conceived
carried
and birthed all life.
Then, out of my love for you,
my children,
I gave you my beloved mate, Osiris
Lord of vegetation
God of the grain
to be cut down
and born again.
I nursed you through sickness with my healing arts
I made you clothes and invented weaving and spinning
I watched over your first steps
helping you grow from infancy to maturity.
I was even there with you
at the end
to hold your hand
and guide you to immortality.
You were All
and I gave you all
and to you I was All.
Isis, Great Goddess, All Mother.

The 5 month mark is approaching . . .

In eight days it will mark 5 months since Duncan passed away. I think about it several times a day. He's never far from my mind. Life now has returned to normalcy for the most part. I still fantasize about what life would be like if he were physically here with us. I have come to see how impermanent life really is and how I need to cherish the small things and what I do have. More to come later . . .

The Glove

The glove lay new in its box
Rich and grainy, unlike mine
Woven webbing, taut and clean
Rubbed into an oily shine.

In this box a birthday gift
The leather sewn surprise
Waiting for a fingered hand
To clutch its fallow hide.

One last graze across the grain
To feel the ball tucked in tight
I placed the lid back on the box
For alas,
There will be no catch tonight.

- M.A. Hines

Kenny Chesney - Who You'd Be Today

I bawled the first time I heard this song. I heard it the first time few months back. I listen to it several times a week.

Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

I think I've come to terms with it . . .

With not getting pregnant by the time Mark deploys. Finding out he was going to deploy some 5 weeks ago really did throw a wrench in our TTC plans. Instead of hoping it would occur soon, but being fine with it if it happened later, we, or I, was now on a deadline to conceive before he departs sometime late May or early June. I didn't expect to get pregnant with first postpartum ovulation, but I was hoping. I couldn't really chart because I hadn't even gotten my first postpartum period. I had to rely on examining my CP and CF and OPKs. I was bummed when my luteal phase with a whopping 5 days. I hoped that next time would be IT or perhaps end in a better LP. I took upon the use of bio-identical progesterone cream hoping it would help if low progesterone was the culprit. My chart was looking good that cycle. I got a very, very faint positive at 8 dpo (days past ovulation) and started spotting that day. I got my period the following day. That time it ended with 8 day LP. So, better, but not good. Maybe next cycle. I'm doing all of my charting and waiting and ended up ovulating a little later than I expected (cd 23). My post-O temps were high and looked good. I got a nice temp dip at 6 dpo and a good temp spike the following day. I also started feeling sharp uterine twinges or pinching at that time. They lasted until 8 dpo. I experienced the pinching and twinges with all of my pregnancies. I was slightly convinced I was pregnant. I tested yesterday at 9 dpo and nothing, which is to be expected. I didn't use a super sensitive IC this time. I started spotting yesterday as well. I became very emotional and frustrated. I cried on and off from mid morning to 3:30 pm. I was so freaking frustrated. *I* know it can take the body/hormones a number of months to return back to normal, but it's still frustrating.

I called the OB that had been handling our situation hoping he'd be understanding and sympathetic, and, well, he wasn't. But then how many are? I could tell he doesn't buy into the whole charting thing and he didn't even sound like he knew anything about the hormones involved with the reproductive cycle. He made a comment akin to: "If you're even ovulating." WTF? I AM ovulating, dammit. He basically said there's nothing he could do, no clomid or progesterone supplements and that luteal phase problems don't exist and blah, blah, blah. I don't even know why I thought to even call him. I should have known better. Toward the end of the conversation I even wondered if he even remembered me or knew why we'd be TTC four months after giving birth. He went on to say wanting to get pregnant before one's spouse deploys is common around here. Well, no shit. I know that. However, my situation isn't ordinary or "common." I wouldn't be in this position if I actually had my baby in my arms. Idiot doctor.

Today, very early this morning, I got my period. While I felt sad and less than hopeful, I think I've come to terms with not conceiving before he leaves. I want so much to be pregnant again, to experience a growing baby inside me and to have something to look forward to, to anxiously wait in excitement for the arrival of a new life, to hold, kiss and nurse a baby that I nestled in my womb for 9+ months. I want my arms full. My heart aches to be healed, at least partly. I want that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I would love to have a baby in my arms by the time Duncan's death/birth anniversary rolls around. Since yesterday I've been thinking about the possibility that we may not conceive by the time he leaves. I have to be prepared for that. We can hope that we do, but I have to look on the bright side. I have to remain positive. I can keep charting and I'm certain my cycle and hormones will regulate over a short period of time. I know it's normal to have wonky cycles for 4-6 months after giving birth, so what I'm experiencing isn't unusual. If it doesn't happen then I can work on losing weight and focus on other areas I want to work on and improve. The positive thing about conceiving #4 after DH returns is that he'll be here for the birth. I know it's something he'd want to experience, especially after having planned a homebirth with Duncan and everything going horribly awry. So, I have to keep my spirits up and remain positive. I can do that. No need to wallow in sadness and frustration. It will only eat me up inside and that's not good.

Cremation Jewelry: Memory Glass

I ordered a Memory Glass pendant in apricot color. Duncan's birth stone is citrine (November). I first started looking at cremation jewelry, namely necklaces, days following his birth/passing. Until now, I never felt any of them "fit" me or him. The Memory Glass globes and pendants are just beautiful. I know I will be pleased. I will feel as though he is still with me.

So much for getting pregnant sooner rather than later . . .

Until recently, we had been anticipating Mark would be receiving PCS (permanent change of station) orders in March for MCAS Miramar in San Diego. We were expecting to move spring/summer, and I was hoping to be pregnant by spring/summer. Well, the Corps has other plans. Instead, he will be deploying sometime late April or early May. This definitely throws a wrench into our TTC plans, but we'll just have to roll with it. It's what we have to do. We'll just have to pick up where we left off when he returns, assuming we don't conceive by then. Here's to hoping we do!

A New Year

I'm hoping this new year will be a positive one. It can only get better from here. I will continue on this journey, one of hurt, sadness, heartache and loss and will emerge a stronger person. I will never be completely healed. My precious son, so loved and wanted, will always be with me.